GAPS Chocolate Nut Bars and Coconut Lemon Bars

Oh boy are these good!  I based them off the wrapper of the Chocolate Coconut Chew Larabar I ate earlier yesterday, using this recipe as a template from Wardeh over at GNOWFGLINS.  I made a double batch and pressed them into a 9x13 pan and they fit perfectly.

These bars are great because they are high in protein, the only sugars are from the dried fruit, and they are made with organic items.   The nuts called for have been soaked in salty water and dehydrated to reduce enzyme inhibitors.  This is also a raw and GAPS friendly recipe, not to mention portable and relatively easy to make in bulk.  I haven't priced it out, but I am also pretty sure that my homemade bars are cheaper than the individual price of a Larabar at $1.29 at Trader Joe's and $1.49 at Whole Foods.  But that's not to say that they aren't worth it, because I am known to buy a box of 12 bars at Whole Foods upon occasion!

Chocolate Nut Bars

1 cup pitted dates

1/2 cup dried figs

1/2 cup raisins

3 T cocoa powder

large pinch of coarse sea salt

3/4 cup soaked and dehydrated almonds

3/4 cup soaked and dehydrated walnuts

scant 1/4 cup cocoa powder

scant 1/4 cup shredded coconut

approx. 2 T. expeller-pressed coconut oil

approx. 2 T. filtered water

1.  Put dates, figs, raisins, 3 T cocoa powder and salt into a food processor and process until it turns into a paste and forms a ball.  It should take a few minutes, and may require you to hold your food processor down firmly for the first minute or so!

2.  Remove ball of paste and set aside in a bowl.  Add almonds and walnuts to the food processor and process until a fine nut meal forms (don't go too long or you will have almond-walnut butter).  

3.  Turn off and add the ball of fruit paste back in, pinching into smaller pieces to ease the mixing process.  Add remaining cocoa powder and coconut and process until 

it makes a dry paste that you can press into a glass pan.  If needed, add a little coconut oil and water to moisten, about 1/2 teaspoon at a time.

Coconut Lemon Bars

1 cup dates

1/2 cup dried figs

1/2 cup raisins

2 T. shredded coconut

large pinch of sea salt

3/4 cup soaked and dehydrated almonds

3/4 cup soaked and dehydrated walnuts

scant 1/2 cup cocoa powder

juice of 3 lemons

approx. 2 T. expeller-pressed coconut oil

approx. 2 T. filtered water

1.  Put dates, figs, raisins, 3 T. shredded coconut and salt into a food processor and process until it turns into a paste and forms a ball.  It should take a few minutes, and may require you to hold your food processor down firmly for the first minute or so!

2.  Remove ball of paste and set aside in a bowl.  Add almonds and walnuts to the food processor and process until a fine nut meal forms (don't go too long or you will have almond-walnut butter).  

3.  Turn off and add the ball of fruit paste back in, pinching into smaller pieces to ease the mixing process.  Add remaining shredded coconut and lemon juice and process until it makes a dry paste that you can press into a glass pan.  If needed, add a little coconut oil and water to moisten, about 1/2 teaspoon at a time.

From Eat Fat, Lose Fat to GAPS Intro Diet

As you all know, I committed to lose weight using the Eat Fat, Lose Fat regimen last October.  What I found out through the process of taking coconut oil in hot water with a squeeze of lemon three times a day for fivemonths is this: healing comes before weight loss.

In the process of taking all that coconut oil, I did lose about 5-10 pounds.  But instead of slimming down beyond that, I found that my weight stabilized and held as other health issues improved.  I had more energy.  I was sleeping regularly.  I actually wanted to work out and be active by going outside, walking, riding my bike, doing yoga and pilates.  I felt at ease, content, levelheaded.  I started to wonder if it was simply okay that I hadn't lost weight yet.  My body was healing!

Through that process I realized that when I give my body what it needs, it will heal from the roots up.  I am guessing that my weight gain and fatigue and hormone fluctuations are a result of nutritional deficiency.  As I heal from that deficiency, my problems disappear in order starting from the underlying issues all the way up to things like weight gain.  

So that brings me to the GAPS healing diet that I started on March 19th.  It was only natural that after healing with coconut oil alone, an intense healing diet was the next step.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I was having success healing, yes, but it was slow.  I was less tired, but I wasn't energetic all day.  I was more active, but I wasn't running and biking and yogaing everyday.  Those are the kinds of things I really want.  I want to feel excited and happy about life!  I want to run and bike and feel energized, not the need for a nap.

On March 19th I started the GAPS Intro Diet.  I made it through the six stages in about 6-7 weeks.  I am about to move to the Full GAPS Diet which includes more variety than any of the Intro Diet stages.  What I had experienced with the Eat Fat, Lose Fat diet was only a small part of the way I have been feeling for the last month and a half on GAPS.  Yes, the die-off was intense at first (the first week or two), but oh the energy! and oh the happy body I have!  GAPS is intense, yes, but it is worth it!

(I'll be writing more in depth on GAPS issues over the next several months.  I committed to do GAPS from March 19th until September 19th of this year.  I might even do a GAPS challenge for my readers in a week or two.  Don't worry, you'll only be committing to a week of GAPS!)

Parmesan-Crusted Grilled Cheese Sammies

We all know how to make a basic grilled cheese sandwich, bread plus cheese plus butter grilled in a pan.  But wow are these fancified grilled sammies yummy!  Hat tip to my sister, who makes the best crispy parmesan creations ever :)

Parmesan-Crusted Grilled Cheese Sammies

from T-Nee, my sister

2 slices of sprouted whole grain bread, like at Trader Joe's (they have several kinds--I buy the organic kind with no soy on the ingredient list)

slices of raw cheddar cheese

grass-fed butter, like Kerrygold

parmesan cheese, grated with a microplane

garlic powder

dried oregano

dried basil

1. Heat an empty cast iron skillet on medium heat while you get your sandwich ready.

2. Butter a thick layer on to each piece of bread (remember that you need the fats to digest the grains!).  Sprinkle with parmesan and press to make it stick well.  Sprinkle with a little garlic powder, oregano and basil.  Then build the sandwich carefully in the pan with the cheddar in the middle.  

3. Lower the heat to low, and cover pan with a lid.  Grill until the parmesan is browned and crispy, and the cheddar is melting.  Then flip and grill the other side to match.  Serve with tomato soup, or in my case tonight: roasted red-pepper and tomato soup from, you guessed it, Trader Joe's!

Local Eggs and Produce

I get my eggs every other Saturday at the Phoenix Public Market downtown.  I also always get my produce there, gathering items that cover a wide spectrum.  It's good for our bodies to have variety.  I love some of the heirloom varieties you can find at the different booths.

Jimmie and Celia at Chile Acres are now my friends since I started buying from them over a year ago.  They treat me right, and they treat their chickens right too.  Their birds (they have ducks, too) live outside on pasture, eating bugs, foraging, having garden scraps from the farm.  They do have feed, but it doesn't contain any soy.  When I break the eggs open, the yolks are a very dark orange.  Orange means nutrition.  We love these eggs!

The place I go for produce first every time at the Market is Maya's Farm.  I love all their varying onions and garlics, wonderful herbs, melons, tomatoes, lettuces and the meyer lemons, oh! the meyer lemons!  I also like to know that my produce is fresher and grown in mineral-rich soil, yielding more trace minerals in my foods.  That's part of the reason I try to garden as much as possible too.  I may even start vermicomposting after talking with my friend last night about house-hunting yesterday.  We found a small three-bedroom with a pretty kickass backyard.  Yay!

This post is part of Fight Back Friday at Food Renegade.

The Thousand-Petaled Lotus

When we reach this level, the seed of our soul has sprouted from its roots in the earth, and grown upward through the elements of water, fire, air, sound, and light, and now to the source of all--consciousness itself, experienced through the element of thought.  Each level brings us new degrees of freedom and awareness.  Now the crown chakra blossoms forth with infinite awareness, its thousand petals like antennae, reaching to higher dimensions. --Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith, pg. 320

Last year I went to a retreat in southern Arizona, a yearly event with my husband's law firm.  We get to stay in lovely hotel rooms, eat gorgeous meals, relax at the spa, and golf in spectacular surroundings.  As usual, I shunned golfing and signed up for a full body massage, my favorite thing on the planet.  And since my husband did not want to go to the spa, I found myself with an extra time allotment.  I had never had a facial, so deciding to try something new I put myself in the schedule.

Carefully choosing the simplest line of products the spa offered, I laid back and started talking with the esthetician as she was working.  Partway through our session she asked if it was okay to "work on my chakras".  I tried not to roll my eyes as she got out her chakra stones, reminding myself that I did not know anything about chakras that I had not heard from skeptics or pop culture.  Either way, I would have a personal experience with chakras that I could draw on for information.

The stones clinked into her hand out of the drawstring bag.  She told me that if I had a chakra out of balance then I would feel the stone as being either hot or cold.  She started with the Root Chakra and worked upward, setting a semi-precious stone over each one on top of the sheet that covered me.  I know now that in yoga practice pranic energy in the body can activate dormant spiritual energy called Kundalini, visualized as a snake coiled up in the first (root) chakra at the base of the spine that, when roused, can move upward passing through each of the lower chakras until becoming one with Crown Chakra.

Halfway there, when we reached the Heart Chakra my skin was exposed and the stone felt cold on my skin.  I internally harumphed and thought "of course it feels cold on my skin, it's a stone". Throat Chakra felt neutral.  Third Eye Chakra felt neutral.  After each placing of the stone, she read a small paragraph from a paper explaining what the chakra meant, what color was associated with that chakra, and which stone she was using.  We had reached the final chakra.

I could not have prepared myself for what that last stone-placing would be like.  She took out an amethyst and said that Crown Chakra was associated with knowledge, intelligence, and oneness.  As she started talking she took the amethyst and gently drew a circle with it on the top of my head.  I flinched as the stone drew that white hot disc on my scalp.  The burning felt bright, like looking into the sun.  I was stunned, though I did manage to explain what had just happened.  The only direction I got that day was to "look into balancing your crown chakra".

Since then, I have pondered what my surprising reaction to that amethyst was.  I have since been to a chiropractic appointment where my coronal suture (the top of my head) was very tight and required a shoulder and neck adjustment.  And just last week I got a(nother) massage and the therapist said I have one of the tightest scalps she has ever worked with.  The universe seems to be trying to send me a message: "fix your head!"

Did the amethyst just feel hot because I have tension in my scalp?  Maybe.  Are chakras more than they seem?  Probably.  I cannot deny that I have been profoundly affected by that experience, especially as it keeps resurfacing in my life.  I even have a crown chakra necklace I wear most days, reminding me of my true nature.  My resolutions for the new year are in a similar vein too, to increase mindfulness through daily meditation (and then tweet them under #meditation365).

I have always known that I should meditate, but I never saw the glaring need until this year.  As a survivor of abuse I have a few post-truamatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms.  I have noticed a correlation between my general stress levels and the severity of my symptoms.  I have also noticed a correlation between managing my stress with meditation and being able to sleep well, eat well, and make progress on my weight loss goal.

Physiologically, the crown chakra relates to the brain, especially the higher brain, or cerebral cortex.  Our amazing human brain contains some thirteen billion interconnected nerve cells, capable of making more connections among themselves than the number of start in the entire universe...Our brains, as instruments of awareness, are virtually limitless...From within, we access a dimension that has no locality in time and space...In other words, we carry the whole world inside our heads.  --Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith, pg. 321

I will continue to find connections between my body, mind, awareness, health and spirituality.  What kinds of connections have you, dear readers, found on your spiritual paths?

(cross-posted at The Exponent) 

Real Food Resolutions

It's that time of year where almost everyone makes a new year's resolution, and I am no different.  I just wrote a post this morning about meditation and cleaning, two paths that I am endeavoring to take this year on 2011.

In the meantime, I have noticed that one of my favorite bloggers, Kimi over at The Nourishing Gourmet, is hosting a Nourishing Resolutions 2011 carnival today.  So here I am, making my real food resolution list.

Real Food Resolutions:

1. For vitamin K2: Make liver once a week, or serve natto. (Either way we will be having hard cheese and Kerrygold butter almost daily.)
2. For B vitamins: Make a Coconut Smoothie with nutritional yeast added to it at least once a week.  
3. For maintenance: Keep going and maintaining my current nourishing practices by making water kefir, making beet kvass, sprouting wheat for flour, soaking grains, soaking and dehydrating nuts, taking daily cod liver oil and butter oil, daily vitamin C and B complex, maca root, oregano oil, iodine from kelp, and a multivitamin.
4. Participate: Join in a real food carnival once a month.
5. Continue with my weight loss goal: Operation Lose Baby Weight.  (Based on Eat Fat, Lose Fat.)

This post is part of Nourishing Resolutions 2011 Carnival at The Nourishing Gourmet.

Meditation, Drawing, Cleaning, Reading or "2 New Goals"

I love making goals.  I have been involved with Phoenix Youth at Risk for almost a year now.  We make a LOT of goals in the program, and I have seen some amazing things pulled from deep inside me last year.  I love getting out a new goal sheet and filling it out.  I love the clarity I get as I create the vision at the beginning, and I love the clarity that comes after completing the steps and seeing the transformation in my life.  I just love it!

I was inspired by a recent project of my friend G where she completed a drawing every day last year, called #draw365.  I love the idea of doing something once a day, and how satisfying it would be to look back over the accumulation of those days by this time next year.

And then I was thinking and clicking around the internet, I got inspired by another friend mfranti to try out a #clean365 project, since I already do that most days, but it's more random and without an overlying purpose.  This one doesn't stress me out, but will help me stretch a bit to feel and look more organized.  So there is one goal I can make and keep, and tweet under #clean365.

Of course, after the all the drawing and cleaning thoughts I got to thinking about meditation.  I am thinking that I may try a #meditation365 hashtag of my own, or maybe it already exists.  I find myself meditating on my relationship with my children the most.

I had a conversation once with R when M was giving me some grief about a year ago.  I joked "what would the Buddha say?" and he came back with "he would say to see The Boy's suffering".  I was hit with that sentence like a ton of bricks.  Ever since then I have seen my relationship with M (and E) a little more clearly.

Starting with Thich Nhat Hanh's book Peace is Every Step, I'm going to read many books on mindfulness this year, taking inspiration from them to direct my daily meditation.  Upcoming books that I have been eyeing:

• A Path with Heart
• The Simple Feeling of Being
• The Places That Scare You
• The Untethered Soul
• Happy Yoga
• Living with the Devil
• Buddhism Without Beliefs
• Wheels of Life: A User's Guide to the Chakra System
• Light on Yoga
• Yoga and the Quest for the True Self
• The Essential Rumi
• Emptiness Dancing
• Parenting with Love and Logic
• After the Ecstasy, the Laundry

This will be another goal I can realistically make and keep, and even tweet daily under #meditation365.


I suppose I should mention that you can follow me on Twitter here, huh?


(Of course, I will be continuing on with my Operation Lose Baby Weight goal.  I am already very comfortable taking my coconut oil three times a day, keeping my fats plentiful, nourishing, and traditional, and being patient while the weight comes off.  So far I have managed to shed 5 pounds, but there is a lot more where that came from!  That will be my goal until it's completed.)

Cheese and Vegetable Chowder

This soup is so lovely.  The vegetables are the star, but the nutrition is boosted by all the homemade stock, cream and cheese in the background.  This is perfect for our family, since we are fighting off the sniffles.  My E and M slurped their bowls up with gusto tonight before going to bed a little earlier than usual.  I hope they heal a little as they sleep.  

Read about how the healing properties of homemade bone broth here.  I had a lot of stock on hand from Thanksgiving when I made turkey stock.  After making a double recipe of this soup, I still have two large containers of stock left in my fridge!  

(I will probably make tomato cream soup later this week, and I will post the recipe when I do.  Plus, I have another turkey I need to roast soon, so I'll have even more stock to make nourishing soups with.  This is very important at this time of year when our immune systems can take a beating, and we don't get as many vitamins from the sun.) 

Cheese and Vegetable Chowder

4-6 tablespoons butter

1 large onion, finely chopped

1 large leek, split lengthwise and thinly sliced

2 garlic cloves, crushed

6 T. sprouted whole grain flour

5 cups chicken stock, preferably homemade

3 carrots, finely diced

2 stalks celery, finely diced

1 turnip, peeled and finely diced

several large broccoli florets, chopped

3-4 sprigs fresh thyme, or 1/8 tsp. dried thyme

1 bay leaf

1½ cups raw cream or half-and-half

10½ oz. mature raw Cheddar cheese, grated

fresh chopped parsley, to sprinkle on top

salt and pepper

1. Melt the butter in a large heavy-based saucepan or stockpot over a medium-low heat. Add the onion and leek. Cover and cook for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently, until the vegetables start to soften.  Add the garlic and cook for 1-2 more minutes, taking care it doesn't burn.
2. Stir the flour into the vegetables and continue cooking for 2 minutes. Add a little of the stock and stir well, scraping the bottom of the pan to mix in the flour. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently, and slowly stir in the rest of the stock.
3. Add the carrots, celery, turnip, broccoli, thyme and bay leaf. Reduce the heat, cover and cook gently for about 35 minutes, stirring occasionally, until the vegetables are tender. Remove the bay leaf and the thyme branches.
4. Add the cheese a few handfuls at a time, stirring constantly for about a minute after each addition, to make sure it is completely melted. Taste the soup and adjust the seasoning, adding salt if needed, and pepper to taste. Turn off the heat and stir in the cream until warmed through.  Ladle immediately into warm bowls, sprinkle with fresh chopped parsley and serve.  

Homemade Eggnog

As a child, I never liked eggnog.  We would buy eggnog in a carton from the grocery store, but it was too thick and sweet for my liking.  Now I know, from reading eggnog labels the last couple of years, that I probably didn't like the flavors of high fructose corn syrup and thickeners in store-bought eggnog.  

A few years ago I tried Silknog, an eggnog-flavored soy milk.  It's thinner but still has that nice holiday flavor.  We drank it for a couple of years during the holidays, but in the last year I have learned about many problems surrounding soy.  Soy has a very high phytic acid content, and should only be consumed in moderation and properly fermented.  Good sources of fermented soy include natto, naturally fermented soy sauce, and fermented miso.

This year I have been missing my thinner, eggnog drink.  So I started looking around for a real food version of eggnog using raw milk and cream, raw egg yolks (but no raw egg whites, they have enzyme inhibitors!), wholesome sweeteners like maple syrup and raw honey, and as my friend likes to call them "Christmas spices".  Using this recipe as inspiration, I upped the cream and yolks and made delicious eggnog in my blender!  How easy was it? VERY.

You place all the ingredients in a blender, blend them up, and then pour and serve.  If you have seen the way classic eggnog is made, then you'll be impressed with this method.  In the original recipes you are supposed to separate eggs, whip the whites, whip the cream, fold them in at different times, and so on.  I don't have time to mess with that!  And I don't want to eat the raw white anyway.

So enjoy this quick recipe.  It makes delicious, healthy, homemade eggnog that has that not-too-thick texture.  Even R liked it!  And as R would say: "You can really taste the nog."

Homemade Eggnog

1 cup whole milk (preferably raw and grass-fed)
3/4 cup cream (preferably raw and grass-fed)
4 egg yolks (preferably pastured)
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg (preferably freshly grated)
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
pinch of cloves
pinch of allspice
2-3 tablespoons maple syrup or raw honey (I used syrup)
dash sea salt
Bourbon, rum, cognac, to taste (optional)

1. Place everything in a blender and blend for a minute or so.  Pour into glasses and garnish with another grating of nutmeg, or a stirring stick of cinnamon.

Coconut Citrus Fudge

Coconut Citrus Fudge

1 cup coconut butter

2-3 tablespoons raw honey

2 tablespoons coconut oil, gently melted

1 tablespoon orange, lemon, grapefruit or other citrus zest

1 teaspoon orange, lemon, grapefruit or other citrus extract (if using oil, use a few drops)

1. In a food processor pulse coconut butter and honey until combined.  Then with the processor running, add the coconut oil in a steady stream.  Add zest and extract or oil, and mix until combined.

2. On a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper or wax paper, spoon mixture and form into a rectangle.  Press with your hands to make the thickness even, about 1/4 inch thick.  Chill for 30 minutes in the refrigerator.

3. Remove from the fridge, and lift parchment or wax paper off the cookie sheet and transfer to a cutting board.  Cut into little squares or whatever bites you like.  

4. You can store these in the fridge, or even on the counter in an airtight container.  The coconut butter keeps it shape well, even at room temperature.  And this time of year our houses are on the cooler side.  Enjoy!

(Inspired by a review of Cooking to Heal by Kimi at The Nourishing Gourmet, I have made this "fudge" a few times.  It is very light, very nourishing, and kid-friendly.  My kids love it.  I have changed it a little, mostly to incorporate more coconut oil and achieve a smoother feel.)

Joyous Almond Cups

Whenever I make these peanut butter cups I always end up making these Almond Joy-esque cups as well.  I use the same mini cupcake pan, the same spot in the freezer to freeze the two layers, and we end up with two flavors of cups to choose from for a sweet, but nourishing treat.  This recipe is my version after being inspired, as usual, by a recipe from Kimi over at The Nourishing Gourmet.

Even more so than the peanut butter cups, these joyous almond cups have a lot of coconut oil incorporated into the recipe.  Coconut oil has many benefits.  Coconut oil has a lot saturated fat.  But don't fear.  This saturated fat is good for you.  Yes you read that right.  The saturated fat in coconut oil is comprised of medium chain fatty acids, 50% of which are the fatty acid lauric acid.  Medium chain fatty acids are more easily digested, reducing strain on the liver, pancreas, and digestive system.  Coconut oil benefits a sluggish thyroid by this same logic: it takes less energy to digest coconut oil, freeing up your thyroid to heal and function better.  Coconut oil helps with energy levels and weight loss.  Coconut oil heals you from the inside out.

So when you wonder why I go through all the trouble of researching coconut oil, finding different kinds of coconut oil, and then incorporating it into my diet despite my lack of love for it's flavor, this is why.  I feel better when I have it in my daily diet.  I know the science behind it and am more than happy to have it's help healing my body.

Now let's get back to the treat part.  I make these either with or without chopped almonds.  Sort in the vein of sometimes feeling like a nut...But when I do add the nuts I make sure they are from my soaked and dehydrated stash.  Soaking nuts overnight in salt water helps neutralize the naturally-occuring enzyme inhibitors present in most nuts.  Then dehydrating them returns them back to their crispy state.  The almonds I used in this recipe were soaked, dehydrated, and then toasted for 20 minutes at 300 degrees just to bring out their flavor a little before I chopped them and added them in.

Joyous Almond Cups

coconut base:

1/2 cup gently melted coconut oil

1/4 cup gently melted raw honey

1 1/4 cups unsweetened, shredded coconut

1 1/2 teaspoons almond extract

1/2 cup chopped almonds, preferably soaked and dehydrated, then toasted for 20 min. at 300 degrees

chocolate topping:

1/2 cup cocoa powder

3 tablespoons raw honey

3/4 cup coconut oil

2 teaspoons vanilla

1 teaspoon coffee liqueur

1. Make coconut base: Combine melted coconut oil and raw honey.  Whisk well to combine.  Add shredded coconut and almond extract.  

2. Using a small ice cream scoop, divide among 24 mini cupcake molds.  Sprinkle each one with a little of the chopped almonds, dividing evenly.  Place in the freezer on a level surface for 30 minutes to harden.  

3. In the meantime, make chocolate topping: combine cocoa powder, honey, and coconut oil in a glass bowl set over simmering water.  Whisk until coconut oil is almost completely smooth.  Remove from heat and continue whisking, adding vanilla and coffee liqueur.

4. Remove frozen coconut bases, and spoon a little of the chocolate topping on each cup.  Place back in the freezer for another 30 minutes until frozen and set.  

5. To remove, pop out with a spoon or butter knife immediately after removing from the freezer.  Store in the freezer, or else they will melt.  To eat, I like to remove from the freezer and let sit for a few minutes to soften.  Enjoy with cold, whole raw milk, yum!

On Fat Acceptance

It remains a radical act to be a fat and happy woman in America. If you're fat, you're not only meant to be unhappy, but deeply ashamed of yourself, projecting at all times an apologetic nature, indicative of your everlasting remorse for having wrought your monstrous self upon the world. You are certainly not meant to be bold, or assertive, or confident—and should you manage to overcome the constant drumbeat of messages that you are ugly and unsexy and have earned equally society's disdain and your own self-hatred, should you forget your place and walk into the world one day with your head held high, you are to be reminded by the cow-calls and contemptuous looks of perfect strangers that you are not supposed to have self-esteem; you don't deserve it. Being publicly fat and happy is hard; being publicly, shamelessly, unshakably fat and happy is an act of both will and bravery.

--Melissa McEwan at Shakesville, on Fat Hatred

I am fat.  This is not my way of fishing for a compliment.  It is just the truth.  I have had two babies in five years and the second baby was nearly more than my body could handle.  Having my baby E caused my hormones to get imbalanced, which caused my adrenals and thyroid to work overtime, which caused my weight gain and subsequent inability to shed the pounds.  I did not know the cause at the time of my pregnancy.  I was very mystified when I would eat normal portions of food and still balloon out as if eating twice as much as usual.

I am very lucky to have found out the cause of my weight gain.  With increased awareness of my body, and by taking care to rebuild my adrenal and thyroid function, I have been able to drop a few pounds in the last month.  I have found that weight loss has to do with reducing my stress, eating healthy fats, mindfulness while eating a meal, and accepting who I am.

As I stayed fat for the last 2 years or so, I started to notice that I was being treated differently.  People seemed sorry for me that I was just so fat.  People seemed angry with me that I just could not lose that weight. People seemed to think that it was such a shame that I had so severe a personal failing that I couldn't starve myself enough to lose the baby weight within the acceptable time frame after giving birth to E.  I started to believe that something was wrong with me, that I really lacked self-control or I would be thin again.

But the bottom line is that I am still ME, fat or thin.  Realizing that I still had worth even though I am fat, has been a huge victory for me.  We are constantly bombarded with images of what is acceptable for women.  Fat men can be jolly, even sexy and desirable if they are funny and endearing.  But fat women are just gross.  They need to get their act together and start looking good again.  Fat women have no business being sexy, or wanting full relationships, or being happy.  Fat women are expected to hang their heads in shame that they dare to be fat without apologizing for it.

Being fat in society is not easy.  Thin privilege is all around us.  If you are thin, you enjoy the privilege of eating whatever you like without anyone commenting on your portions.  You can feel happy without anyone shaming you.  You can go to the doctor without being belittled for your mass.  You don't have to brace yourself for any dirty looks or comments when you eat food in public.  You don't have to defend your very existence in the face of outright hatred, simply because of how you look.

I hate how I am treated now that I am fat.  Remember, I have been thin before.  I know how differently I am treated now.  In my fat body is the same brain, the same personality, the same wit, the same capability that I have always had.  In fact, it is that brain and capability that has aided me in tenaciously figuring out my body in the face of so much disdain from the society around me.

In spite of being considered subhuman, I have learned to love myself now in all my fat glory. I will love myself when I am thin again too, albeit with a wiser understanding of the privilege it will bring.

(cross-posted at The Exponent)

I've lost...

...8 pounds since starting my Eat Fat, Lose Fat goal.  When I started this goal in September, I think I was eating too much food for my body to shed extra pounds.  So I have shaved each meal down a little, paying closer attention to when I am full.  The reduced calories allow me to feel hungry between meals, something I am learning to even enjoy.  By the time I am hungry, boil water to melt my 2 tablespoons of coconut oil, take the coconut oil "tea", and then wait 20 minutes to eat my meal, I am already slowing down more than I used to to really think about what I am going to eat, and how much.

This mindfulness has come hand in hand with increased meditation and self-awareness.  Savoring the textures and flavors of my meal is more pleasant now that I am not rushing through it.  When you have little boys you are watching over at home, it's easy to get caught in the hurry hurry hurry of keeping them on time to school, fed, dressed, and happy.  I am finding more quiet moments with them, where I am not off to the next thing, but simply being with them.

I don't finish my food if I am not hungry.  I save it for the next meal, which helps me feel good about myself, frugal, and not wasteful.  I am more in touch with how my body is feeling, what I really need.  I have to believe that this will also affect my adrenals and thyroid.

My body has gotten to a point after three pregnancies, two births, 2 full years of breastfeeding, reaching 30, dealing with PTSD from my abusive childhood, and stress where my adrenals and thyroid are barely hanging on.  My hormone levels are all wacky, I am tired all the time, I cannot lose weight with normal eating, and I do not feel like myself.  However, after nearly one year of real food, I think I am finally starting to heal.

It was last December that I was going to wean E, because the thought of pumping my breastmilk and feeding him bottles beyond his first birthday was simply more than I could emotionally handle.  I had read Nourishing Traditions, and I knew what our food should be like; but it's difficult to change all your habits at once.  Knowing that real food commitment would help the health of the whole family (but especially E with his health problems) was the push I needed.

Fortunately, I was one year ago when I was ready to fully embrace real food-dom.  We started buying raw milk, switched to only grass-fed and pastured meats, dairy, cheese, butter and eggs, took cod liver oil every day, soaked our grains, and even started eating organ meats (liver, yum!).  We kept eating our local, organic produce, remaining supportive of our AZ farmers and sustainably-minded.  It hasn't been that hard, I promise :)

So now I am looking at this December, knowing so much more about what is going on inside my body than I ever have before.  I hope to continue slowly dropping pounds as my adrenals and thyroid heal.  I am reading a book about how to heal adrenal fatigue and thyroid problems called The Mood Cure.  I was already doing a lot of things right, but with the help of the book I have been able to pinpoint what specific symptoms I have.  For example, by taking 5-HTP this week my mood has improved and my energy levels are up.

As I read it seems that a lot of my questions are finding answers.  More on that to come as I blog more this week about adrenal fatigue and thyroid function.  For today simply celebrate my 8-pound-loss victory with me!

My Antibiotics Perspective

If you can manage, try not to take antibiotics.  It's better for your immune system to fight off infection by itself.  I have heard it explained like this: when we take antibiotics for every sickness, we are trading the long term benefit of a healthy immune system for the short term benefit of feeling better "today".  You should be able to manage avoiding antibiotics generally if you eat well, sleep well, and make your health a priority.  

For example, I have daily: fermented cod liver oil, raw B vitamin complex, 5-HTP, maca root, local and pastured eggs, raw and whole milk, Kerrygold butter, fresh produce, lacto-fermented veggies (pickles, carrots, sauerkraut), raw cheese, kefir water, kvass, and some kind of pastured or grass-fed meat.

But sometimes you can't keep your immune system up, no matter your attention to diet, exercise, stress and sleep.  And sometimes it doesn't matter how many probiotics you take or eat, it's not enough to fight off infection.  I eat very well, and I make sleep and health a priority.  But I still got VERY sick over the weekend.

I try to always remind myself that there are many variables at play when it comes to optimum health.  Environmental toxins around me that can take their toll, from plastics to pollution.  Generations of family before me ate margarine, Crisco, lots of vegetable oils (canola, safflower, soybean), battery chickens, white flour, white sugar, CAFO beef and pork, and believed that saturated fat was "bad".  The last two or three generations have been fed these kinds of lies for years now.

I had been taking care of a sick M for 5 days when I got sick.  Couple that with my recent hormone, adrenal, and thyroid issues, and being a little more stressed than usual by making pies and such for Thanksgiving, and I came down with a sore throat.

That sore throat was brutal, but I fought it off after three days.  I felt better for several hours, but that night I came down with a very painful ear infection, with a bit of hearing loss, and tender mastoid bones (behind the ear).  I fought that off after a day or so, but then I relapsed again with renewed throat pain, and now two sore ears with hearing loss and a LOT of pressure and pain in the mastoid area.  Here I was on day five, backsliding and in as much pain as when I was in labor with E.

Full disclosure, I was mad that I couldn't fight this off.  I had done everything I could think of to combat my sickness.  I went to bed early, I took care of my stress levels, I used my neti pot three times a day, I drank mullein tea, I drank fenugreek tea, I put coconut oil in my ears, I gargled with salt water three times a day, I took Emergen-C, I took extra cod liver oil, vitamin C, B complex, maca root, zinc, I drank extra kefir and water, I washed my hands and took warm showers.  But it wasn't enough.  I almost fought it off twice, but it wasn't quite enough.

I admit that I cried quite a few times as I waited for my pain relievers to kick in on Sunday, and hoped I would make it to Monday and feel a miraculous change.  Instead, I was up all night in pain waiting to go to the doctor at the crack of dawn to break down and beg for antibiotics and narcotics.  Yes, it was that bad.

So I did.  By the time I got my hands on antibiotics, pseudoephedrine (yes, it was that bad), and acetaminophen with codeine (again, yes, it was THAT bad), I was still unable to move for about 8 hours after taking my first dose.  Every time I moved my head would throb and I would weep from how painful it was.  My saint of a MIL came over to clean my kitchen, make us dinner, and take M to the doctor (he was diagnosed with strep throat and had also started to backslide like I was.)  We were a sorry lot yesterday.

Antibiotics are truly amazing.  I am a different person today than I would have been without them.  I could have been hospitalized if I didn't get this infection under control.  Keep that in mind when you try to avoid antibiotics, and don't take it too far.  Sometimes your body loses the battle, and you need a little help.  Just make sure to have lots of probiotic food during and after your round of antibiotics.  I am eating a lot of naturally fermented pickles, and drinking the juice to boot!  I am also trying to drink lots of of kvass and kefir, more than I usually do.

I feel so much better, and I'm happy to have the wisdom of both modern medicine and the traditional, whole foods of my ancestors.

Pie Crust

It's that time of year to make pie!  Complete with rapadura instead of sugar and sprouted wheat flour instead of white flour, this pie crust is a hit among the my family, even those not avoiding sugar or white flour. 

I say this is a nourishing pie because if you buy grass-fed butter (like Kerrygold) it is full of vitamin K2. You can google vitamin K2 and get a lot of information about it, but I like these two links here (basic K2 info) and here (list of vitamin K2-rich foods).

The rapadura is full of nutrients because it is the only form of sugar processed without ever being separated from the molasses. It is considered a whole food.

Sprouted flour is neutralized of it's phytic acid, so you can absorb all the good trace elements in the grain like calcium, magnesium, etc. You can buy sprouted flour or make your own.

Double Pie Crust

3 cups sprouted wheat flour
3 and 1/4 sticks (26 Tablespoons) of grass-fed butter, cut into small pieces, very cold, preferably straight from the fridge
1 teaspoon sea salt
2 Tablespoons rapadura (or Sucanat, maple sugar, palm sugar)
3/4 cup ice water

1. Make pie dough: Mix flour, salt and sugar with a whisk in a bowl to sift.
2. Take butter out of the fridge and sprinkle small pieces over flour mixture. Using a combination of a pastry cutter and your hands (or just your hands), cut in the butter until the crumbs are between the size of peas and olives. You can also use a stand mixer with the whisk attachment, or a food processor.  Add ice water a little at a time, blending with your hands, until the dough comes together.
3. Lay out two pieces of plastic wrap and put half of your pie dough on each. Using your hands and the plastic wrap, form each pile into a ball, then flatten into a disk and wrap up tightly. Chill in the fridge for 30 minutes. Or, store in the freezer up to a month.  To use, transfer to the refrigerator a few hours before you want to roll it out and use it.

Lunch: Green Salad w/ Leftover Chicken, Tomato, Onion, Kefir

I didn't get hungry for lunch until nearly noon, and then I was busy so I didn't take my coconut oil until closer to one.  Then I made this salad, poured my kefir, and by then I wasn't starving anymore.  I ate my salad calmly and now I sit here satiated but with fewer calories in my belly than usual.  I hope this works and I start losing some pounds again.


Coconut Oil: 2 tablespoons taken in hot water with squeeze of orange.
Lunch: 

• 2 cups greens, 1/2 cup leftover shredded chicken, one diced tomato, 1/4 - 1/2 diced onion, 2 tablespoons Basic Salad Dressing
• 1 cup strawberry water kefir

Water Kefir

Water Kefir

1 package hydrated kefir grains

1/2 cup organic sugar

1-2 tablespoons molasses

1 pastured egg shell, rinsed clean

1 cup diced fruit

Note: do not use tap water, it will kill your kefir grains; do not use Brita water, it doesn't remove flouride and other toxins that can kill your kefir grains

1. Fill a half gallon glass jar with filtered water.  Now pour a little of the water out into a saucepan and bring to a boil.  Turn off heat and add sugar to boiling water, stirring until sugar dissolves, and then pour sugar-water back into the jar to fill it up again.  

2. Add molasses to the jar of water and stir with a wooden spoon to mix in.  Gently add water kefir grains and egg shell.

3. Cover with a dish towel or cheesecloth to keep out dust and bugs and so the kefir can breathe.

4.  Let sit on the counter for 1-2 days.  Then, pour contents through a strainer into a new jar.  Discard egg shell.  Reuse kefir grains for your next batch.

5.  With the strained kefir in the new jar, you can now choose a fruit to flavor the kefir.  I like using strawberries.  Add diced fruit to kefir jar, cover again, and let sit at room temperature for 1 more day.

6.  Remove cover and replace with a screw top lid.  Leave at room temperature for a couple of hours to build up fizziness.  Place in refrigerator to stop the fermentation process.

Breakfast: Fried Egg, Bacon, Orange, Milk

In my previous post I mentioned that I haven't been losing weight the last few weeks. The recipes I have posted from Eat Fat, Lose Fat so far on k-land have been Phase 1 recipes, so today I am starting to post Phase 2 recipes.  Breakfast isn't so much a recipe as a list of foods.

Coconut Oil and FCLO (taken 20 minutes before breakfast): 2 tablespoons coconut oil taken in hot water and a squeeze of orange, and 2 capsules fermented cod liver oil.
Breakfast: 

• 1 fried egg
• 2 slices nitrate-free, pastured bacon (Trader Joe's carries uncured (nitrate-free) Niman Ranch (pastured) bacon for $4.69/12 oz.--it's the best deal I have found)
• 1/2 grapefruit w/ Coconut Sprinkles (I had a plain orange instead)
• one cup raw, whole milk

I was worried that I would be hungry and grouchy after eating less in the morning, but this has been a pretty good breakfast.  I wasn't feeling hungry until about noon, so that was a nice surprise.

(I did end up being grumpy, but that is more to do with my crazy morning.  I drove all over the place to get R somewhere and then to work, pick up my Azure Standard order that was a day late due to truck trouble, and pick up raw milk, all while getting M to and from school on time.  Argh!)

Moving to Phase 2

Phase 2 recipes in Eat Fat, Lost Fat are slightly lower in calories, but still offer nutrients and healthy fats.  Since I have plateaued and even gained a pound or two the last couple of weeks, I have decided that it is time.  Phase 1 didn't cut it, so Phase 2 here I come!  I will NOT be keeping this baby weight on any more, I'm done.

Lunch: Green Salad w/ Chicken, Strawberries, Milk

I haven't posted any recipes lately, because I have been recycling through many of them I have already posted here.  But today I can put up my lunch because it was so easy.  I'll get around to posting last night's roast chicken over onions and potatoes later :)

Coconut Oil and FCLO: two tablespoons taken melted in hot water and lemon, two capsules fermented cod liver oil (because I forgot at breakfast!)
Lunch:

• Leftover Vegetable Soup (will post recipe tomorrow)
• Green Salad with Leftover Roast Chicken, shredded raw cheddar, celery, carrots, and Homemade Basic Dressing
• Handful of strawberries
• Beet Kvass
• Raw Milk

Green Salad w/ Leftover Chicken

serves one

handful salad greens

one carrot, peeled and sliced

one rib celery, sliced

leftover chicken, shredded

handful shredded cheese

Basic Salad Dressing

1. Layer in a bowl: greens, carrots and celery, chicken, cheese, dressing.  Salad for one, real food style!