Fear

By the telling of my story, I hope to free anyone reading from some kind of abuse-related fear. You might fear of telling about or facing your own abuse. You might fear victims because you are unsure of what to say or how to act. You might fear of hearing about abuse, because you have children and you worry about them. You might fear for yourself in the future if it ever happens to you. Fear is something to move past. Talking about abuse, facing abuse, sifting through the wreckage of abuse is what forces fear out. The truth will set you free.

If you are one of those people who has not been through abuse, but would like to know how to talk to a survivor, then please visit some of these websites. Of course, if you are a victim, then please visit these sites as well, but please seek professional help if you can.

I was abused sexually a handful of times when I was in elementary school. My father was the perpetrator. My mother never saw it. However, my mother was depressed and unable to take care of me and my siblings. She depended on her children to emotionally to take care of her. The stress of the role reversal (feeling like I had to take care of my mother at the age of 5), left me feeling different. The sexual abuse that happened a few years later (I was 8 or so), only solidified my solitary nature. This was difficult as a child, and I look back now realizing that it was adding insult to injury to be abused on top of being pretty sensitive to begin with. I would have had difficulties with my extreme sensitivity even if I had nurturing, helpful parents who were not caught up in their own problems.

My sexual abuse may not be comparatively bad, but as they say "once is enough". Regardless, it gave me classic abuse victim problems. I did not trust people. I was sexually confused. I was depressed, but also experienced extreme highs. I gained weight to protect myself. I would dissociate in painful situations. The list goes on. Becoming aware of the symptoms was my first step. Then I could see what was causing those symptoms: my unresolved abuse. Admitting that what happened was "abuse" was my next step.

Arguably, that was the biggest step I ever took. It started me down the path of facing my problems instead of running from them. If anything has happened to you that you think might be abuse, try to face it. You are not alone. I will talk to you, and I will accept you.

Things M says (Part Three)

(in response to talking about lying)

M: I will not be honest if I lie about going to preschool, or playing with my trains, or if I was in your belly, or doing lots of jobs.

Abuse

I have become empowered my friends. Most of my family and friends already know that I was sexually abused as a child by my father. They may or may not know that I was also physically abused by both my mother and my father. Though it is hard to put a finger on (because it is not a 'physical' thing), my mother and father were also both emotionally abusive. You may or may not have known that part either. But I have become empowered.

I am going to talk about something difficult, even though you all may not want to think about it, or hear about it, or read about it on my blog. It's not funny, or witty, or entertaining. It is real. I have come to the realization that if I do not talk about abuse, then it is not dealt with by humanity at large. The people I know do not know a HUGE part of who I am: an abuse survivor. It is as if I am apologizing for being abused if I don't talk about it, and it was not my fault that I was. So I will talk about it. I will talk about the reality of abuse (it happens all the time). I will talk about the consequences and how they ripple through my life. I will talk about how I move through the pain. How the truth sets me free. I will not talk about it all right now, but in general from now on on my blog. Fair warning.

Little Boys

First there was the mud in the backyard. Oh how M loves to scoop it in a bucket and stir it with a stick. And then laugh. And then say that he's cooking chocolate. And then add sidewalk chalk to it. And then reach in and smear chalk/mud paste all over his hands, arms, face and legs.

Then there was the catching of the cricket. And the giggling as the cricket crawled up his arm and onto his neck and eventually onto his face. M loved it! He thought the little cricket was his friend and was "tickling him to be funny". It was so cute, but I had to fight back the heebie-jeebies while I watched. Blah!
I was amused by the previous shenanigans. Not so for our final event. I heard the explanation "I need to practice my climbing" as I was talking to my sister on the phone. She can attest to my horror as I realized that he was talking about scaling the wall outside by holding onto the DirecTV cable and pulling it nearly off the roof. Then when that didn't work, he tried the wires connecting our AC unit to the house. There was much fear and trembling when I caught M, put him in time out, and then quizzed him on what we could and could not play with in the backyard. Sheesh. I forget sometimes that he is only 3. Nothing was damaged, so he was easily forgiven. Lucky him. A K without an air conditioner is more grouchy than usual.

10 days!

E got his stitches out yesterday and did not even cry much. Here he is today (one day later):

Interesting

I was surprised to see that there was a bonafide article about Sunstone today. Have I mentioned that I really love reading Sunstone? Subscribe here if you are interested.

Things M says (Part Two)

In the car:

M: Hey? Hey!
me/R: Say "excuse me", buddy.
M: Excuse me, hey Mom!?
me/R: Yes?
M: This will be reawwy hot...um, one hundred degrees!
me/R: Wow, yeah, that is...
M: Hey Dad, this will be reawwy cold...2 degrees!
me/R: Yeah, that's so cold!
M: Yeah, it sure is!

(repeated several times with many interruptions and various numbers of degrees)

Things M says (Part One)

M just said this:

"Do you see this chocolate bunny holding an egg? It's not holding an Easter egg, it's just a reawl egg. It's not an Easter egg, it has a tiny little chocolate bunny in it waiting to hatch out. It's not an Easter egg."

Surgery Pictures

Eli a few days before surgery:

Eli in pre-op in a tiny hospital gown!
One last go at the binky. Sleeping even though he was so hungry, sweet little guy.

In his hospital room later, complete with swaddle blanket, bouncer, and Tylenol :)

At home, this morning:

At home, this afternoon:

Short Update

Eli is home now and doing well. Next Thursday he gets his stitches out. He's eating and sleeping like he usually does, and is not even in much pain. He just takes Tylenol and acts normal throughout the day. He is even talking and laughing through his swollen lips and cheeks. Anyways, we are all tired, but recovering. Thank you for all your messages, thoughts, and prayers of love. :)

Tomorrow

E is going in for surgery tomorrow. It is for the lip. Yikes! I feel somewhat prepared. I have also been freaking out all day. Just think of us around 8:30 am tomorrow and send us good vibes. We also accept fasting and prayers :) I will post before and after photos soon.

Soapbox, again.

I have harped on this a lot, but here it goes again. We have to be more careful about the things we put in/on our bodies. Just because one product cannot kill you with trace amounts of carcinogens (cancer-causing ingredients), does not mean that all the products you use on a daily basis cannot cumulatively give you cancer. Yikes. Check your household products on the Skin Deep database on the Environmental Working Group website linked on my sidebar.

Also, read this blog post which basically sums up what I think about these issues. I know there is nothing I can do about the past, but I sure get frustrated that I did not know this stuff when M was a baby. Grrrrrr.