Things M Says (part 40)

M, comparing his manhood to E's: "E!  Your pen!s is getting bigger, but not as big as mine!"

Oooo-kay.  It starts young, no?

My Choice

"So though the fight over Planned Parenthood might beabout abortion, Planned Parenthood itself isn’t about abortion. It’s primarily about contraception and reproductive health. And if Planned Parenthood loses funding, what will mainly happen is that cancer screenings and contraception and STD testing will become less available to poorer people. Folks with more money, of course, have many other ways to receive all these services, and tend to get them elsewhere already." --Ezra Klein on What Planned Parenthood Actually Does

When I was 20 weeks pregnant with my second son, I went in for my ultrasound and checkup hoping to find out the gender of my baby.  I already had one three-year-old son, and I was hoping for another boy.  The ultrasound tech saw the male gentalia and told us.  I was ecstatic!  I asked a lot of questions about the heart and brain and bones.  The technician asked if I was a nurse, surprised by my inquisition.  I said no, I was just interested in physiology.  After studying many sciences, and then modern dance in college, I had an awareness of and interest in the human body that was automatic.  The idea of growing a skeleton, muscles, life in my womb was mesmerizing in the dark of that ultrasound room.

A few minutes later, my husband and I spoke to my obstetrician about the baby.  She said that their equipment was old, but that she was fairly certain that our baby boy had a cleft lip.  I had read about cleft lips in biology a few years before, but I did not really know what was done for cleft babies.  I was not worried.  We were to go to fetal and women's center with a "million dollar ultrasound machine".  Honestly, the only thing I thought was to hope for a 4D ultrasound picture for the fridge.  My husband and I had no idea what we were in for when we made that appointment.

We went to the perinatal center a few days later and realized we were there with other high risk pregnancies.  I started to get nervous, wondering about whether or not I would be able to breastfeed a cleft baby.  Questions were forming.  In fact, during the exam I asked so many questions that the tech finally had to tell me she was not allowed to answer some of them.  The doctor finally came in and told us about the cleft.  But then she said that he also had a problem with his kidney.  They thought it might not be forming properly.  I was numb as they started to talk about how the two problems were unrelated, making the likelihood of a syndrome greater.  In other words, it was more likely that he had an underlying syndrome rather than just happening to have a cleft and a kidney issue.

They started looking to see if our baby's hands and fingers could clasp and unclasp.  Something in my mind snapped.  I shook off the numbness and shock at that point, and began to sob.  I demanded their best guesses as to what was going on with our baby.  They said they didn't know, but that we would need to meet with a genetic counselor.  We were also recommended for an amniocentesis to get more information.  It was likely that his underlying condition was bad, like Trisomy 13 or another short-lived, painful syndrome.  I was gently asked about the possibility of needing an abortion.  For the first time in my life, I considered it.

The next day we went back for the amniocentesis.  I am terrified of needles, but in the past few years I have faced my fear and been able to have blood tests done without fainting.  The doctor was bright and loving, and I trusted her when she said how good she was at very quick amniocenteses.  I wasn't in the mood to smile, but I appreciated that.  I had not slept much that night, speculating with my husband about what our baby might have.  As the needle went into my belly, and I squeezed my husband's hand and my eyes tight shut.  It was over, and I wasn't even faint.  But when the doctor announced how many CCs had been taken and I went white and had to lay down.  I asked questions about the genetic tests they would perform, and how long it would take for them to come back.

I hated our genetic counselor.  She was perfectly nice, but did not have any answers.  I knew my hatred was a mask for my fear and anxiety.  I wanted to make the next 10 days go by as quickly as possible.  I sobbed half the day, and did yoga in the middle of the night to calm my nerves.  I still remember doing sun salutations in the dark, trying to stop weeping.  We had to wait for one general set of tests, and then for another set of more specific tests.  I called the genetic counselor morning, noon, and night the days the tests were supposed to be done.  I was nearing 22 weeks, when the dividing line for an abortion in the state of Arizona had been drawn.

I wanted to know what my baby was facing, to know if I needed to spare him a painful, short life if he ended up having Trisomy 13, or something else equally horrific.  Even if he did have a fatal syndrome, I was fairly certain that I could not go through with an abortion.  The days were painfully long.  I compared the mercy of an abortion for my malformed child with the difficult birth and mere months of life that he might have to endure with many painful health problems.  I had no idea what I would do.

We finally heard back about our baby boy's chromosomes: they were normal.  There were other, more rare syndromes and diseases we might want to check for.  But the ultrasounds showed a strong heart, and one fully working kidney.  The cleft was bilateral, incomplete on one side, and in the lip and palate.  This was a rarer form of cleft lip and palate, and one of his kidneys had simply not formed at all.  But he was thriving.  Everything else looked strong and fully formed.

I was relieved.  I didn't have to choose between an abortion or my baby's death at the age of 1 due to some awful syndrome.  A cleft lip and single kidney was welcome indeed.  I no longer had to wonder if he had something life-threatening or that would cause a terrible death at an early age, a situation that I might have considered having an abortion for.

I still do not know what I would have done if my baby had been missing a chromosome, or was found to carry a fatal sickness.  But I had a choice.  I had a legal, supported, dignified choice that I could make myself, alone.  I had a choice that I wrestled with day and night for weeks while we had testing done.  If I had chosen to have an abortion in a situation like that, it would have been out of love and out of necessity to spare our baby pain and suffering.

I am so thankful for the women at the perinatal center for giving me that option without any judgment in their voices on those first uncertain, rocky days.  They did not presume to know what was best for me.  They simply offered options, and support.  And trust.  They trusted me to know what was best for me and my baby.

I decided to keep him, of course.  He beat the odds with his genetic testing, and I was spared my own Sophie's choice.  He has beat the odds on many fronts.  I am lucky.

I am also lucky to have the right to choose what I want to do.  I have that right because I live in a country where abortion is legal.  I have that right because I am a white middle-class woman with means and health insurance.  I have that right because I am informed of my options.  I have that privilege.  Many do not.  There are millions of women who, when faced with a situation similar to mine or worse, do not have the options I enjoyed.

This past week has been dramatic as we have watched a government shutdown nearly averted, all turning on the fulcrum of Planned Parenthood and it's funding.  I do not wish on anyone what I went through with my youngest baby, but it will happen anyway.  Sometimes it happens to women who don't have money or health insurance.  Do they deserve less than I do?  Do they not have the right to a legal procedure, if they need it, if they weigh their options and make a heart-breaking decision about what to do?

97% of Planned Parenthood's services are preventative: cancer screenings, yearly exams, rape services, and birth control.  Planned Parenthood's services do include abortion care.  But those procedures are not touched by federal money, despite all the recent headlines and spin that the budget crisis was over federal funding for abortion or just abortions themselves.  The truth is that the budget war was, and is, over access to basic women's health care.

I stand with my choice to keep my baby when I found out he would not be severely ill and in pain during his life.  I would have stood by my choice either way, because I would have known that I had made it while considering all sides.  I stand by women who make these decisions in secret because of the stigma of abortion.  I stand with Planned Parenthood.  I stand with life and choices both staying in tact whenever possible.  I stand with my sisters, mothers, aunts, daughters, grandmothers, and all the other women I am connected to on this planet as a war rages around their bodies.  I stand with women.

(Exponent II's most recent issue has three pieces on Women and Reproductive Choice, found in the Exponent Generations feature.)

(cross-posted at The Exponent)

Peanut Butter Cups

I love these peanut butter cups.  I made them last February for R for Valentine's Day.  I wrote the other day about looking for candy for Christmas at the store, but coming up empty.  Even in my compromising mindset I couldn't find anything that would work.  So I am making a few different candies and confections to help satisfy M's and E's sweet teeth on that magical morning.

But back to the peanut butter cups.  I have tweaked the recipe just a bit.  I watch Ina Garten on the Food Network quite a bit, and on her show Barefoot Contessa she occasionally shows how she tests recipes.  Ever since she explained how chocolate is enhanced by a little bit of coffee I have been paying attention to how she pairs them in different recipes.  She says that you do not end up tasting the coffee, but the chocolate tastes better.

Sometimes she uses leftover brewed coffee, sometimes it's instant coffee or espresso granules, and sometimes it's coffee liqueur.  I have Kahlua, so I have used that recently in any chocolate recipe I make.  I just eyeball between a teaspoon and a tablespoon.  I don't know enough about how they make instant coffee crystals to use them confidently, and I don't brew coffee at home.  (The caffeine affects my adrenals and such.)

Oh, and one last thing: after I use up the natural peanut butter in the jars in my fridge I want to make my own peanut butter.  It's very handy to have peanut butter around, so I think it's worth the trouble to soak peanuts in salt water, dehydrate them and then put them through the food processor.  The point of doing all of that is to avoid the enzyme inhibitors present in peanuts and nuts in general.  The soaking process neutralizes the enzyme inhibitors, helping you to not only digest them better but absorb more nutrients from the nuts.

Peanut Butter Cups

peanut butter base:

3/4 cup natural peanut butter, preferably from soaked and dehydrated peanuts

1/4 cup gently melted coconut oil*

2 tablespoons raw honey

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/3 cup chopped nuts, preferably soaked/dehydrated/roasted at a low temperature (300), optional**

chocolate topping:

4 oz. unsweetened chocolate, chopped

2 tablespoons raw honey

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 teaspoon coffee liqueur

1. Mix peanut butter and coconut oil together until smooth, using a rubber spatula.  Add honey and vanilla and stir until smooth.  Using a small ice cream scoop, divide among the 24 mini cupcake molds in a mini cupcake pan.  Put into the freezer for 20 minutes or so while you make the chocolate topping.

2. In a glass bowl set over a pot of simmering water, stir chocolate, honey, vanilla and coffee liqueur with a wooden spoon until almost smooth.  Remove from the pot and set onto a hot pot holder while you continue to stir until completely smooth.

3. Remove mini cupcake pan from freezer and spoon chocolate mixture onto each peanut butter cup, smoothing a little with the back of a spoon.  Place back into the freezer until solid, about 20 minutes or more.

4. Remove with a spoon or butter knife.  They should pop out with a little elbow grease, as long as they are completely solid.  If they mush together at all, put them back into the freezer for a few minutes and try again.  Store in the freezer until you want to eat them.

5. To eat, I like to take a few out and let them rest on a plate for a few minutes to soften.  And, of course, my favorite way to eat them is with a cold glass of whole, raw milk.  Enjoy.

*You can use virgin coconut oil (which will taste like coconut), or expeller-pressed coconut oil (which will have neutral taste).  I prefer the expeller-pressed, but I have tried it both ways and the coconut flavor does work in this recipe.

**(I didn't add these, E can't chew them very well; he choked on a swiped cashew yesterday when I wasn't looking, scary!)

My New Quest: Make My Own Candy for Christmas

I was at Trader Joe's today, one of my favorite places to go.  I had grand plans to buy some candies there to use for stocking stuffers.  I remembered from last year that there was a lot of variety.  So I was excited.  However, that did not pan out the way I wanted it to.

First of all, I could not find a single piece of chocolate without soy lecithin in it.  The reason I am avoiding soy is due to it's effect on hormone levels, not to mention it is usually genetically modified.  Then I looked at some jelly beans and cookies.  They contained soy flours, corn syrup, and soybean/sunflower/canola oils.  Is it so much to ask for foods made with recognizable ingredients?  I just want whole grain flour, butter, whole sugar, natural flavors.  Sheesh.

But then I remembered these chocolate macadamias sprinkled with sea salt from last year, which I have still not attempted.  But I did make peanut butter cups and coconut-chocolate mounds this year for Valentine's Day and they were wonderful.  I also have loved this coconut-orange fudge recipe.  At least I know I can make those from experience and try some new recipes too.  I can make a few kinds of candies and then put them in a cute package for each of our stockings.

I also have an excellent pair of shortbread recipes that I need to whip up.  It's a good thing I started sprouting some white wheat berries tonight.  I even found recipes for basic chocolate fudge, caramel corn, and these almond cookies!  Maybe something that looks similar to this Nature's Candy Box idea.  It really is worth it to me.  I'm going to do it, dammit!

I may even try to convert some of my old favorites into nourishing versions and see how it goes.  I really love these cookies, and these sugar cookies, and these peanut butter cup cookies, and these checkerboard cookies, and these mexican wedding cookies.  I want to have all of them again.  Wish me luck, I will be blogging my success!

Things E Says (Part Ten)

E, at night as either R or I walks out of the room: "Nigh-niiiigh!!"

Things E Says (Part Nine)

E, while poking my sore, scraped knee, repeatedly: "Boo-boo. Boo-boo."

Things E Says (Part Eight)

E, while going to bed: "Na-niiiigh, na-niiigh!"

Things E Says (Part Seven)

E, while waving: "Hi-eee, Hi-eee!"

Things E Says (Part Six)

E, whenever R is around, or even when he's not, or even when E sees a picture of R, or every time E talks on a phone, or whenever E pretends some other toy IS a phone: "Da-deeeee!"

Things E Says (Part Five)

E: "miwwww!!" (milk)

Things E Says (Part Four)

E: "wa-wa!!" (water)

Things E Says (Part Three)

Crawling over with a ball: "Ba! Ba! Ba!"

Things E Says (Part Two)

E (while waving): "Haa!"

He says hi like he's from the South or something.

A newer development, also while waving: "Baa!"

Again, as if from the South.

E's Third Surgery

E had surgery for a fistula repair this past Wednesday morning. For the first time it was in the outpatient center, so we were heading home in the late morning, instead of settling into a shared hospital room for the day and night. I vastly prefer going home after surgery.

E basically slept all day, took his plain Tylenol and antibiotics, and cried when I fed him. But he is a good sport and has improved every day since. With a lot of insistence from me has has managed to eat normally. And without any insistence needed, he has sleep normally, and then some.

Now I am just trying to keep probiotics in his system while he finishes those irritating antibiotics. He will be done with those Monday night, so I am looking forward to that. Then next week we go in to see Dr. Joganic on Thursday for a follow up. I am hoping for no pulled stitches and a perfectly healing mouth. That would be the best Christmas gift ever. E has already been making new sounds while babbling, and even occasionally making suction on his sippy cup. *sniff*

The next surgery will not be until his nose reconstruction when he is approximately 18 months old next July. That one will be a doozy, but at least it is not for a few months.

E's first year has quite a tally going: three surgeries, 8+ months physical therapy, 7+ months of chiropractics, and an orthotic helmet. After he turns one (in a month!!!) I am hoping for a nice boring year with just one surgery and that is all.

Magnesium

TMI-Alert!!!

E is not the best pooper in the world. It has stressed me out lately. Everyone should go at least once a day. After all, it is toxic stuff and needs to get out of your body. I have tried giving E more liquids, prune juice, fibrous foods. I have tried taking grains out of his diet, and yolks, and chicken. Basically E was, and still is, just having fruits and veggies, breast milk, and water. He would still only go once every other day at best, but it was little and dry-looking.

So we started E on 1/16 teaspoon of magnesium, daily. We have had to gradually increase up to 1/4 teaspoon per day, since E seems to be a little magnesium magnet. In fact, that is how E's chiropractor (Dr. Ross, who is simply wonderful) described people like E: they are magnesium magnets. There is a theory that because soil is less mineral-rich in general, that certain bodies need supplementation to function. I am hoping 1/4 tsp. is the magic number for little E. So far so good.

If anyone out there has a similar problem with their kids (or themselves!), before you turn to Miralax or some other laxative or fiber supplement, give magnesium a try. Specifically, try the brand E is using which is very easily absorbed after being fizzed in hot water, yummy tasting (flavored with stevia and citrus), is also a calcium supplement, and is about $20 for a big tub which will last at least a year: Peter Gillham's Natural Vitality Natural Calm.

(I am going to start taking it as well, since I have high stress levels, and I do not drink milk anymore. I will be buying a tub from the chiropractor soon, so if anyone in AZ wants a tub just let me know and I will be there in a week or so purchasing. Anyone else, just go to the website above and find a vendor in your area.)

I have lost my momentum

I cannot think of anything to write. I have blogger's block, or something. When in doubt, make a list.

Things I Am Thinking About Lately:

• BYU is shutting down the Women's Research Institute. I originally heard about it from a grrrr-ing friend M on my Facebook page who linked to this. Now fMh is covering it here. And the Salt Lake Trib here.
  
• At the urging of my lovely friend mraynes over at The Exponent I wrote messages to President Samuelson and John Tanner regarding the above closing of the WRI.
  
• I get to go to California and chill with my peeps in less than 17 days. Good times, noodle salad.
  
• Halloween is really fun with a 4-year-old.
• E is getting so old: helmet off, first haircut, scooting around, drinking from sippy cups, having an opinion.
• M is getting taken out of preschool: it isn't a good fit for him this year. Field trips have no transportation, he does not seem to be learning much, the campus is farther away, he seems ambivalent about whether or not he likes his teacher, and I keep thinking about how nice it would be to just have preschool at home.
  
• Preschool at home: reading stories, learning states from our large map, learning songs from Laurie Berkner and others, doing construction paper crafts, learning the calendar, practicing writing letters and names, learning to read, and of course visiting three places on a regular basis: The Phoenix Children's Museum, The Arizona Science Center, and the Phoenix Zoo. Add some parks and some library visits and I think we will be good to go until Kindergarten officially starts next fall. Plus I can supplement materials from the Lakeshore store down the street, and for a lot less than what we were paying for preschool, methinks.
  
• I got a new tiny computer that I love. Especially in conjunction with the snazzy new wireless DSL setup we got.
  

Well, it looks like I had some things to say after all.

E's Orthotic Helmet

It comes off this Wednesday! Hooray for being done, even though he is cute either way. Pictures to come.

E's Fistula Repair Surgery

E will be having surgery to fix his palatal fistula (opening) on Wednesday December 2nd at 7:30 in the morning. It is a same day surgery, and the nurse thinks we might even get out of there in the morning. E will be wearing arm restraints again, and drinking with the special SoftFeeder nipple. Or if I can get him used to it, I may start him on sippy cups completely now so he will be ready for surgery in a few weeks.

I am trying to modify this sippy lid to see if he will take it. Since he still cannot make suction with his mouth, he needs a very fast flow sippy such as one without a valve, or one that has huge holes in the spout, or both. Wish us luck!

Things E Says (Part One)

E: Mamamamamamama.

*heart melting*

:)

Helmet-head

I finally got around to painting E's helmet. We have been to three adjustments and it finally fits his poor little head. He is so much happier today than last week.

Part of the problem is that we finally started E on solid foods, so he was/is having a growth spurt and his head is growing like crazy. He got the helmet Wednesday of last week, and by Friday when we went back in, it already needed a growth adjustment.

The other part of the problem was that they did not notice a protuberance over his left ear at first. So last Friday he woke up with a huge, bright red welt that is still healing today, 6 days later. He still cannot sleep in it while his welt heals. But with all the adjusting, adding pressure divots inside the helmet, applying healing cream, and taking it off for skins checks and toweling his head dry, he is finally happy in the helmet. As you can see :)